“Yes, You Have a Mental Illness, But I Need an Apology for What You Did”
Actually, I didn’t say it.
The issue came up on an online forum for partners and spouses of those with moderate to severe depression.
“Has anyone had a former partner reach out and apologize?” a participant whose marriage was ending queried the forum.
“Apologize?I said. “Apologize for what?”
Sheesh. Had this guy never seen “Love Story”? Had he never sobbed along with Ali McGraw as she told Ryan O’Neal through tearful eyes and violin strings that love means never having to say you’re sorry?
I said that my wife, who lives with late-onset bipolar disorder, is a very good person with a very bad illness, one she neither asked for nor deserved. I said that during her manic episodes she acted horribly, and at times so did I. I said when my wife was severely depressed she was unable to get out of bed, and I said I would rather be me than her.
I said if my wife had cancer I wouldn’t expect an apology for her being sick, and I said I didn’t see mental illness a whole lot differently.
Moreover, I said, one of the symptoms of certain mental illnesses is lacking the insight that you have a mental illness. How can you be asked to apologize for something that at the time you were unaware you were doing?
Based on the responses I read, I guess I said the wrong things.
“It’s not apologizing for the disease,” someone wrote, “it’s recognizing and apologizing for bad behavior as a result of the disorder. The person still needs to be responsible.”
Another spouse responded, “I want him to be sorry for what he’s done to our family and to acknowledge it, because if he doesn’t, then he’s in denial and he doesn’t get it at all.”
Still.
Scientists from the National Institutes of Health believe “mental illness is associated with changes in the brain’s structure, chemistry, and function.”
Which left me questioning how someone with an illness of the brain can be asked to apologize for the poor functioning of their brain.
We’ve had this conversation numerous times in my NAMI support groups for family members of those living with a mental illness. I’ve heard a ton of horror stories about the fallout from mental illnesses. For example, one symptom of a manic episode is hypersexuality, which can include cheating on a spouse. Another is compulsivity. The gambling losses I’ve heard about and damage to the family are staggering. In fact, gambling itself can be an addiction.
But does that give those with a mental illness a free pass to behave as they might without consequences?
The consensus seems to be all of us need to own up to the pain we have caused others — even those with misfiring brains.
“My wife has a mental illness,” someone in my group said, “but she’s still an adult. She deserves to be treated like one, which includes apologizing for the way she acts.”
The wife of someone with schizo affective disorder said, “He has to acknowledge my pain and hold himself accountable for it. Otherwise, just like for any adult, there will be consequences.”
Acknowledgment and accountability. It’s the least we can expect of our spouses . . . and the least I can expect of myself.
It’s been a half-century since “Love Story” was released. And 50 years later I guess love does mean having to say you’re sorry. (Cue the strings.)
